Brandon Joe Anderson

It seems like only yesterday you were born so early, a tiny little thing, barely five pounds. You looked so fragile in that little box with all the tubes hooked to you. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for me to actually remember that, being so young and all, or is it the memory of the pictures I have studied so many times. I was jealous at times because you were the baby, but mostly I just wanted to take care of you and never let anyone hurt you. I remember when you finally got to go to school with me. I felt so nervous. I thought kids would pick on you because you were so small. I always felt this overwhelming need to protect you. That got me in many playground fights. I always freaked out a little when we would walk home from school and you would get a little ahead and I couldn't see you very well. Especially if you weren't home when I got there. I think I thought I was going to have a heart attack at eleven years old. Then as we got older and had our own groups of friends I started to see you drift away. Oh the first time I heard you had smoked pot. I laid into you. I guess I could've handled that one better. I just got scared that you were going to do other things once that got old. Boy was I right on with that one. Then you had Brianne at such a young age. I took one look at her and fell completely in love. It was like looking at you all over again. She had your big blue eyes and your smile and nose. She was so fragile just like you. I could see how proud she made you. I thought maybe for a minute you would come back to us. But then you and Lisa broke up. That emptiness immediately came back into your eyes. I had so much hatred for that girl for so long. You really spiraled after that. And this time I couldn't take the bad guys onto the playground. I was so glad when you came to live with me. I thought I was going to be able to help you. You got a chance to bond with Jayden. But you were still so sad all of the time. I tried but I never knew the right words to say. You eventually moved back to the lake. It only took a week for the inevitable to happen. I remember that day like it was yesterday... I was on my way to take Jayden to Jeremy so I could go to work. I immediately knew something was terribly wrong. They took Jayden inside and made me park the car and told me everything. I was shocked, full of grief and disoriented, but the one thing I wasn't... surprised. I felt so guilty for not being surprised like I knew it was coming but I still couldn't stop it. I kept asking myself why didn't I know exactly how to stop it??? Next month will be four years that you have been gone. Jayden doesn't remember you physically but he knows exactly who you are. I show him your pictures and he knows that's Uncle Brandon or uncka Brannon as he calls you. In the last four years not a day has gone by that I haven't shed a tear for you. Whether it was because somebody in a movie or talk show lost a brother or sister or someone on the news committed suicide... It all leads me back to you and that overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness. I think I have finally accepted that this is not a nightmare and you won't be walking through the door anytime soon. But healing... I'm still working on that. I feel so guilty for not being closer to you and not talking to you more. I guess I can heal when the guilt goes away. I look at Brianne sometimes and she has that same sad look in her eyes, especially when she talks about you. I just hope that I will know how to help her when she needs me. I hope that wherever you are the sadness is gone and you are truly happy. I love you and miss you every day. I get scared sometimes that I will forget what you look like or what your voice sounds like. But then I remember that I still have all of these memories and pictures to help me. Every day I wish it were yesterday and we could go back and something that I could do or say would alter the chain of events. But I feel better when I remember I will see you again one day.